Tags: academy awards

movie film

Oscar Night

If you missed it, trust me: You didn't miss much.

8:30 Glad to see Ellen back after the last few host duds! I LOVE YOU, ELLEN! You look gorgeous.

8:34 OK, so far really baaad teeth and plastic surgery in that audience… Not naming names.

8:38 Ellen’s razzing folks in the audience. Semi-funny.

8:40 Anna Hathaway: Same hairstyle as Ellen. Best supporting actor nominees. Major applause for Jared Leto.

8:42 Jared Leto WON for Dallas Buyers Club. I don’t remember him being that particular shade of orange in My So-Called Life. Red bow tie.

8:44 I only have two Red Vines left. WTF?

8:46 Jim Carrey. Black bow tie. Not funny, blah, blah. Animation clips. Yawn. Tuxes really should be BLACK.

8:50 Kerry Washington introduced Pharrell (sp?) Williams singing “Happy.”

8:52 I’m bored. “I want everybody to get up!” he yells. I don’t think so. This song is MONOTONOUS.

8:53 One Red Vine left. Commercial.

8:56 Samuel L. Jackson and Naomi Watts. Costume design nominees. Winner: Catherine Martin for The Great Gatsby. Didn’t see it. Acceptance speech in her bra. Crazy eyes.

8:59 Nominees for makeup and hairstyling. Winner: Dallas Buyers Club. Adruitha Lee and Robin Matthews. So true what she said about today’s generation not understanding “AIDS 85.”

9:02 Grandpa Harrison Ford talking (with a lot of help from a teleprompter) about some of the best pic nominees. Clips of the films.

9:05 Channing Tatum introducing, um, a bunch of people…. (???)

9:06 Commercial break. Funny how standing out in my driveway, smoking in the dark in subzero temperature, seems much more interesting than watching this show. Is it me? Is it really this boring?

9:08 Still one Red Vine left…

9:10 Ellen’s gave scratch-off lottery tickets to Bradley Cooper.

9:11 Matthew McConaughey and…I missed it. Someone with BAAAAD plastic surgery and possibly laryngitis. I will have to Google it. Best animated short film. Winner: Mr. Hublot.

9:13 Very emotional acceptance speech. Missed the guys’ names, sorry.

9:14 Best animated feature film. Winner: Frozen.

9:16 (ok, I Googled it…that was FREAKING KIM NOVAK!)

9:17 SALLY FIELD! Salute to ordinary everyday heroes (as portrayed in film)…Harvey Milk, Erin Brockovich, William Wallace…wait, Atticus Finch? I thought these were “real” people…

9:20 Emma Watson and Joseph Gordon Levitt (oh he is so cute). Best visual effects. Winner: Gravity. Can't catch all the people’s names so I’m just naming the movies now.

9:23 Zac Efron can’t read the teleprompter. Karen O singing song from Her. Simon Cowell would shit a brick. Throw her a fish.

9:26 Commercial break. I hope I make it through this thing. Oh, cute Muppet commercial!

9:28 LOLOLOL Tina Fey commercial—“A dinges ate my baby!” How sad is it that I’m enjoying the commercials more than the show?

9:29 Kate Hudson (looking amazing!) and Jason Sudeikis. Best live action short film. Winner: Helium.

9:33 Best documentary short subject. Winner: The Lady in Number Six: Music Saved My Life. A brown velvet (?) jacket with a black tie??? I would NOT let my husband accept an award in that getup.

9:36 Ellen wants to order pizza. I want this show to pick up some speed. Bradley Cooper—best documentary feature. Winner: Twenty Feet From Stardom.

9:38 Just realized I have seen none of anything that was nominated for anything.

9:39 Darlene Love belting out “His Eye is on the Sparrow.” Black lace dress on over what looks like a white slip. Just saying…

9:40 Kevin Spacey. Honorary Oscars to Angela Lansbury (88 years old, working on London stage), Steve Martin, some guy I missed looking for my last Red Vine, and humanitarian award to Angelina Jolie.

9:44 Commercial break.

9:48 Ewan MacGregor and a tired-looking Viola Davis. Best Foreign Language film. Winner: The Great Beauty (Italy) Nothing much more sexy than an Italian accent. 

9:51 Tyler Perry talking about best pic nominee Nebraska and Gravity with clips.

9:54 Ellen changed her clothes and introduces Brad Pitt…who looks CLEAN for once.

9:55 U2 singing “Ordinary Love” from Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom. Standing ovation. So far the highlight of the show. This song should win. It won’t. It’ll be “Let It Go” because of the controversy.

9:58 Commercial. No more Red Vines. Hot pipes. Guzzling water.

10:01 Ellen’s taking s selfie with Meryl, Jennifer, Bradley, etc.

10:04 Michael B Jordan and Kristen Bell, blabbing about miscellaneous award (scientific and technical.)

10:06 Chris Hemsworth and Charlize Theron. Chris’s suit coat’s too tight. And ugly! Charlize has clear plastic straps holding up her gown. Best sound mixing. Winner: Gravity.

10:09 Best sound editing. Winner: Gravity again. Sandra Bullock, in the audience, looks like a million bucks!

10:11 Christoph Waltz. Best actress in a supporting role. Winner: Lupita Nyong’o for 12 Years a Slave. The girl is in shock!  And tears. “No matter where you are from, your dreams are valid.”

10:21 Pizza delivered. Seriously. Ellen is hanging out slices with the delivery guy.

10:23 Cheryl Boone (whoever that is) yawn yawn yawn I have NOOOOO idea what you are blathering about….zzzzzz.

10:25 Amy Adams and Bill Murray. OMG, Bill? Is that you? Best in cinematography. Winner: Gravity. Again.

10: Emma Roberts and Gabourey Sidibe. Best film editing. Winner: Gravity agaaaain!

10:32 Whoopi Goldberg (with striped stockings and ruby slippers) introduces Liza Minnelli and Joey and Lorna Luft; 75th anniversary of THE WIZARD OF OZ. Liza does kind of look like she's impersonating herself. Hey, I didn't say it first...Ellen insinuated it.

10:35 Pink singing “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” with scenes from The Wizard of Oz playing. (That red sequined dress must weigh 40 pounds…oh, and don’t bend over, Pink.) Beautiful tribute!

10:38 Commercial

10:42 Ellen dressed as GLINDA! LOL

10:43 Jennifer Garner and Benedict Cumberbatch. Best production design: (I bet it’ll be “Gravity… ) ………………………waiting……………………OMG The Great Gatsby! LOL—NOT Gravity for a change. Crazy Eyes is back to accept….

10:46 Chris Evans (whoever that is). Clips from a bunch of movies but I missed what he said. (Oh, my daughter says “hero tribute.”) Alien, Indiana Jones, etc.

10:48 Bored and tired. Commercial break.

Q10:53 Glenn Close dressed in…black. Fitting, I guess, for a tribute to those who passed this year, including James Gandolfini, Karen Black, Tom Laughlin, Carmen Zapata, Hal Needham, Eileen Brennan, Paul Walker, Deanna Durbin, Elmore Leonard, Annette Funicello, Peter O’Toole, Sid Caesar, Roger Ebert, Shirley Temple, Joan Fontaine, Juanita Moore, Harold Ramis, Eleanor Parker, Julie Harris, Maximillian Schell, Richard Matheson, Esther Williams, and Phillip Seymour Hoffman.

10:58 Bette Midler singing “Wing Beneath My Wings.” Nice surprise. Standing ovation.

11:02 Commercial. Big stuff should be coming up…

11:04 Ellen says their selfie crashed Twitter.

11:05 OMG—Goldie Hawn! Or wait…is it Kim Novak again? I CAN’T TELL!!!! Talking about 12 Years a Slave Captain Phillips and Philomena. The real Philomena is actually in the audience, which is pretty cool.

11:08 John Travolta introducing “Let it Go” from Frozen.

11:09 Idina Menzel singing “Let it Go.”

11:12 Jamie Foxx and Jessica Biel. Best music score…you guessed it…Gravity.

11:16 Best song: “Let It Go.” I KNEW IT!!!

11:22 Ellen’s passing the hat to collect money to pay for the pizza.

11:23 Robert DeNiro and Penelope Cruz. “The mind of a writer can be a truly terrifying thing…” I wish I could type fast enough to get the whole quote. It was awesome! Something about “soul crushing inadequacy.” Best Adapted Screenplay. Winner: John Ridley for 12 Years a Slave. Best Original Screenplay. Winner: Spike Jonze for Her.

11:31 Angelina Jolie and Sidney Portier. Best Director. Winner: Alfonso Cuaron for...wait for it...Gravityagain.

11:42 Daniel Day Lewis. Best Actress. Winner: Cate Blanchette for Blue Jasmine. Wow, she is all one color--hair, skin, dress. Kind of matches the statuette.

11:46 I would've bought TWO packs of Red Vines if I'd known this would go on till midtnight.

11:47 Cate is still blabbing! Oy.

11:48 Jennifer Lawrence, gorgeous in red, and no, didn't trip this time. Best Actor. I hope Bruce Dern wins, just because he never has. And he is old elderly ancient getting up in years.

11:51 Waiting....waiting....  Nope, it's Matthew McConaughey for Dallas Buyers Club.

11:42 (Just noticed that everyone in the audience looks orange!)

11:55 Will Smith announcing--at last--Best Picture!

And the Oscar goes to ... (please not effen Gravity again) ...

...12 Years a Slave.

Every time someone says "Steve McQueen" I think--wait, he's dead!

Overall impression: Not worth staying up for. I still miss Billy Crystal.
stewie pointing

For Those of You Who Missed the Oscars...

Here's the rundown:

8:34 OK, Seth MacFarland is hosting. I'm waiting to hear some Family Guy voices. (Seth, I had no clue what you looked like till tonight)

8:35 Captain Kirk has appeared. “Your jokes are tasteless and inappropriate.” Uh, yeah…it’s THE OSCARS!

8:37 Seth is singing about boobs. It appears that Kate Winslet’s have appeared in a number of films.

8:41 Sock puppets crash land in a clothes dryer.

8:43 Harry Potter and some guy singing and dancing to “High Hopes.”

8:44 Sally Field’s buffet is interrupted when Seth, dressed as The Flying Nun, makes a pass at her.

8:46 Seth sings “Be Our Guest” and then brings out Octavia Spencer in her shiny synthetic wig.

8:50 BEST ACTOR IN SUPPORTING ROLE: Christoph Waltz for “Django.” Does he remind anyone else of Woody Allen?

Commercial. I need a break already. So far there’s nobody to really make fun of. Boredom scale: 5/10*

*Boredom scale: 1 = Riveted with interest. 10 = Comatose and/or praying for death.


8:55 Melissa McCarthy and Paul Rudd. Stupid banter. Yawn. Open the envelope already…

8:57 THEY ARE STILL YAKKING!

BEST ANIMATED SHORT FILM: “Paperman.” I’ll never see it.

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE FILM: “Brave.” At least I've heard of that one.

9:00 Reese Witherspoon in stunning blue (but needs lipstick) introduces clips from the films “Les Misérables,” Beasts from the “Southern Wild,” and “Life of Pi.”

9:05 “The Avengers” cast announce BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY award for “Life of Pi…”

9:08 …and BEST VISUAL EFFECTS for “Life of Pi” as well.

(Love the “Jaws” theme to get the long-winded recipients off the stage)

Commercial. Boredom scale: 6/10 and climbing. Where’s Billy Crystal when you need him?

9:16 Crew-cut Channing Tatum and stringy-haired Jennifer Aniston present: BEST COSTUME DESIGN: “Anna Karenina” and BEST HAIRSTYLING: “Les Misérables.”

9:21 Hallie Berry here to celebrate 50 years of James Bond. That dress looks like you could shave your legs with it. Clips from old James Bond movies and then SHIRLEY BASSEY sings “Goldfinger” (she is 76!) Standing ovation, naturally.

Commercial. 5/10 and holding. I need a donut.

9:32 Jamie Foxx and Kerry Washington. Love the red dress, hate the Addams Family tux.

BEST LIVE ACTION SHORT FILM: “Curfew” (winner’s wearing a tux with a regular tie—ew!)

BEST DOCUMENTARY SHORT SUBJECT: “Inocente.”

9:37 LIAM NEESON!!!!!—Oh, I love you, I love you, I love you, my darling!—introduces clips from “Argo,” “Zero Dark Thirty,” and “Lincoln.” If I can ditch my date in the straitjacket, I’m SO meeting this guy after the show. Boredom scale knocked down to a 2.

9:42 Ben Affleck is having a little trouble reading the teleprompter.

BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE: “Searching for Sugarman.” Another tux without a bow tie.

Commercial. Back up to 5, pushing a 6. No Family Guy voices. Not even anyone to make fun of. B-O-R-I-N-G.

9:49 Jennifer Garner and Jessica Chastain—BEST FOREIGN FILM: “Amour.”

9:52 John Travolta—yeah, you’re still cute—introduces of medley of musical selections from: “Chicago” (Catherine Zeta-Jones) “Dreamgirls” (Jennifer Hudson) and “Les Misérables” (practically the whole cast). As musical theater ROCKS in my book, I’ve perked way up: 2/10.

Another commercial.

10:08 Chris Pine and Zoe Saldana (whoever they are) talking about past awards (???) and that was…it? WTF? Then they vanished from the stage.

10:10 Mark Wahlberg and “Ted”—wow, finally I get to heard a Family Guy voice! OK, it’s not Family Guy, but it is Seth MacFarland…

BEST SOUND MIXING: “Les Misérables.”

BEST SOUND EDITING—a freaking tie: “Zero Dark Thirty” and “Skyfall.” Whoever heard of an Oscar TIE? I mean seriously?

(Speaking of “ties” there seems to be a pattern this year with the straight ties and tuxes. Who dresses these people?)

10:19 Christopher Plummer (funny intro, Seth)

BEST ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE: Anne Hathaway—yay! Love her dress, love her hair. She is radiant.

Commercial. 3/10.

10:29 President of the Academy—another Woody Allen clone—introduces college film students who are helping hand out the Oscars tonight.

10:31 Sandra Bullock: Beautiful dress. Stringy hair, another trend tonight. At least it’s neat.

BEST FILM EDITING: “Argo.”

10:34 Jennifer Lawrence—who looks like she’s holding her dress up with her elbows—introduces Adele, in a glittery black Hefty bag, who sings “Skyfall”…boring.

Commercial. Back up to 6/10. Updating blog post for tomorrow…

10:43 Nicole Kidman introduces clips to “Silver Linings Playbook,” “Django,” and “Amour.”

10:47 Daniel Radcliffe and Kristen Stewart. Kristin can barely form a coherent sentence. I think she rode to the show in somebody's trunk.

BEST PRODUCTION DESIGN: “Lincoln.”

10:50 Salma Hayek’s hair weighs 80 pounds. Her dress hurts my neck.

Humanitarian Award, blah blah blah. I dunno what just happened here….

Commercial. Boredom scale = 7/10. Salma did it to me.

10:58 Montage of dead people.

11:01 Barbra Streisand singing “The Way We Were.” Beyonce, take note: She is NOT lip-syncing.

Commercial AGAIN? Good. I have to pee.

11:08 Richard Gere, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Renee Zellweger, and Queen Latifah.

BEST ORIGINAL SCORE: “Life of Pi.”

11:14 Nora Jones, in fifties getup, sings “Everybody Needs a Best Friend.”

BEST ORIGINAL SONG: “Skyfall.”

Commercial. Boredom = 8/10. If I weren’t blogging this I’d be asleep by now. I haven’t even laughed at much of anything except Adele’s eyelashes.

11:22 Seth says “It’s getting late in the show.” Ya think?

11:23 Dustin Hoffman and Charlize Theron. Jeez, if he turns around too fast he’ll break his nose on her shoulder blade.

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY: “Argo.”

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY: “Django.”

Commercial.

11:32 Jane Fonda and Michael Douglas

BEST DIRECTION: “Life of Pi.”

Commercial????

11:40 Jean Dujardin from “The Artist”—last year’s winner…the movie I walked out of.

BEST ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE: Jennifer Lawrence for “Silver Linings Playbook”—and she just tripped over her foofy dress on her way up to the stage.

11:45 Meryl Streep, looking a bit grandmother-of-the-bride-ish.

BEST ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE: Daniel Day-Lewis for “Lincoln”—the only actor to win 3 Oscars for Best Actor.
(I though Hugh Jackman should win simply for that bulging forehead vein in Les Mis)

11:52 Jack Nicholson introduces Michelle Obama…wait, what? Are you kidding me? They HAD to drag the White House into the freaking Academy Awards? What does Michelle Obama have to do with the entertainment industry?

SERIOUSLY, PEOPLE?

BEST FILM: “Argo.”

Great film. Congrats.

I left when Affleck, rambling like one of those guys on the commercials rapidly listing all the deadly side effects of medications, graciously thanked all our “friends” in Iran…

The OSCARS: Writing As I Watch (mostly to stay awake)

Anne Hathaway = stunning. Does she ever look grubby?

James Franco’s grandma.

Anne: “LESBIANS! DANCING LESBIANS!” Love it!

Tom Hanks’s glasses (first ya see ’em, then you don’t—that fast)

Kirk Douglas. He’s so sweet and so funny.

Melissa Leo: Nice mouth. Even I'd have more sense, and that's saying something. Nice ramble, too--not! Where's the trap door when you need it?

I heart Colin Firth.

Mila Kunis’s dress looks like Elijah got hold of a box of purple Kleenex

Best Adapted Screenplay: THE SOCIAL NETWORK :)

Best Original Screenplay: THE KING’S SPEECH :) (Elderly) writer David Seidler: “My father always said I’d be a late bloomer.” I hear ya. :)

I now want to see every movie nominated this year for Best Foreign Language Film.

Christian Bale—lose the beard and wash your hair. Ugh, ugh, ugh.

I heart Mark Ruffalo. I just want to squeeze his cheeks.

There’s something weird about an actress in a stunning formal…and a ponytail.

Strangest Attire Worn by a Presenter: Cate Blanchette with her cardboard sleeves.

Strangest Attire Worn by a Winner: costume designer (ALICE IN WONDERLAND) Colleen Atwood, apparently decked out in one of her own costumes.  

Jake Gyllenhall = not having fun. Tie too tight? Wedgie?

BILLY CRYSTAL! I heart you more than anyone. Please, please, please come back and host this thing. Yanno, before one of us dies.

Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law made me laugh. :)

Whoever told Gwyneth Paltrow she could sing, I wish they’d tell her they were joking.

Then there’s the amazing Celine, who sang “Smile” during the tribute.

I had no idea Eli Wallach was still alive.

I guess Jeff Bridges still looks like Rooster Cogburn. Is greasy the new black?!?

Warren Beatty and Annette Benning—what a classy couple!

Best Actress: Natalie Portman for BLACK SWAN! No surprise there. :)

Sandra Bullock—also stunning. Best Dress Ever.

THIS SHOW IS WA-A-A-A-AY TOO LONG!

Best Actor: GO, COLIN!  “I feel my career’s just peaked.” Doubt it, dude.

TEN nominated pictures?

Beth called it: THE KING’S SPEECH (Best Picture). I was rooting for TRUE GRIT since it was largely ignored.

Final thought: a safe, but pretty boring Awards show altogether.

Yawn. One thumb up.


Oscar Impressions

Jon Stewart: boring

Nice tux, Rock, but it doesn't quite fit.

Jennifer Hudson: WHO told you you looked good in that dress?

Cate Blanchette: Pregnant and beautiful!

I think "Javier" has gotta be the sexiest male name ever.

Hal Holbrook is still alive?

Who was that amazing child who sang "Raise It Up?"

Owen Wilson needs glasses. He squinted at the prompt screen.

Ruby Dee is still alive?

Why is Tilda Swinton wearing a black velvet Hefty bag? Yick!

I got a new cell phone (just checking to see if you were paying attention)

This Halle Berry/Dame Judi Dench thing is going on waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too long.

I want to be one of those chicks in the formals who usher the winners off the stage at the end of their speech. Usually in the right direction.

Marion Cotillard WON for Best Actress La Vie En Rose! I loved that movie!

Nominated songs so far: y-a-w-n ♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫ y-a-w-n ♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫ y-a-a-a-w-n ♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫.

Renee Zellweger looks fabulous.

WHAT is that crap around Nicole Kidman's neck???? Looks like somebody flipped out in the craft department.

Robert Boyle (art director-honorary recipient) is 98 years old--and still alive! And lucid...and upright (see how jaded you get when you all you see are the sick ones?) He is awesome!

Molasses is soon to be no more (still paying attention?). Sorry, but it was either $30 for a no-kill trap or $6 for D-Con.

I loved Hilary Swank's dress! Does she ever not look good? No trash bag for her.

THANK GOD I DIDN'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO ANOTHER MICHAEL MOORE RANT. In fact, no political rants whatsoever this year. WTH happened?

Harrisonnnn Forrrrd....why are you taaaaaaalllking soooo sloooowwwwwwwwwww???

George Clooney: yummy as always.

Denzel Washington: DITTO. :)

It's over. "No Country for Old Men" won Best Picture. Next year, hopefully, I'll start earlier and actually get to SEE the movies beforehand.

Maybe Billy Crystal will come back.

I can only dream.

Oscar Thoughts

Observations

Kate Winslet's pantylines revealed beneath that gorgeous green dress.

Martin Scorsese's eyebrows (at first I thought they were flip-up sunglasses).

Cate Blanchette chomping on gum in the audience.

Tight skirts! Cate and Gwyneth could barely walk in those suckers.

George Clooney: Stunning! Breathtaking!

Best dress: Celine Dion, although I think she could've done something else with her hair.

Meryl Streep, who is amazing without even speaking a word.

Ellen's white shoes: HUH? And that red velvet tux was hideous, though her next two outfits were an improvement.

Isn't Will Smith's little boy positively darling?

Dance troupe: Unbelievable (and Ellen's "They're naked!" cracked me up).

Catherine Denueve is over sixty, and omg, can she possibly be any more gorgeous???

Abby Breslin: Um, that dress looked like an Easter decoration. What was your mom thinking?

Note to Al: You lost. Get over it. "My fellow Americans" wasn't even funny the first time. At least your acceptance speech gave me a chance to run out for a smoke.

Jennifer, you rock--but Beyonce is amazing!

Crappiest moment: When Melissa Etheridge's hideously b-o-r-i-n-g song won out over three Broadway nominations. This is simply unspeakable. And soo typical considering the (unsurprisingly) politcal theme of the show.

And the one movie I couldn't sit through--The Departed--won. Figures.