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For Those of You Who Missed the Oscars...

Here's the rundown:

8:34 OK, Seth MacFarland is hosting. I'm waiting to hear some Family Guy voices. (Seth, I had no clue what you looked like till tonight)

8:35 Captain Kirk has appeared. “Your jokes are tasteless and inappropriate.” Uh, yeah…it’s THE OSCARS!

8:37 Seth is singing about boobs. It appears that Kate Winslet’s have appeared in a number of films.

8:41 Sock puppets crash land in a clothes dryer.

8:43 Harry Potter and some guy singing and dancing to “High Hopes.”

8:44 Sally Field’s buffet is interrupted when Seth, dressed as The Flying Nun, makes a pass at her.

8:46 Seth sings “Be Our Guest” and then brings out Octavia Spencer in her shiny synthetic wig.

8:50 BEST ACTOR IN SUPPORTING ROLE: Christoph Waltz for “Django.” Does he remind anyone else of Woody Allen?

Commercial. I need a break already. So far there’s nobody to really make fun of. Boredom scale: 5/10*

*Boredom scale: 1 = Riveted with interest. 10 = Comatose and/or praying for death.

8:55 Melissa McCarthy and Paul Rudd. Stupid banter. Yawn. Open the envelope already…


BEST ANIMATED SHORT FILM: “Paperman.” I’ll never see it.

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE FILM: “Brave.” At least I've heard of that one.

9:00 Reese Witherspoon in stunning blue (but needs lipstick) introduces clips from the films “Les Misérables,” Beasts from the “Southern Wild,” and “Life of Pi.”

9:05 “The Avengers” cast announce BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY award for “Life of Pi…”

9:08 …and BEST VISUAL EFFECTS for “Life of Pi” as well.

(Love the “Jaws” theme to get the long-winded recipients off the stage)

Commercial. Boredom scale: 6/10 and climbing. Where’s Billy Crystal when you need him?

9:16 Crew-cut Channing Tatum and stringy-haired Jennifer Aniston present: BEST COSTUME DESIGN: “Anna Karenina” and BEST HAIRSTYLING: “Les Misérables.”

9:21 Hallie Berry here to celebrate 50 years of James Bond. That dress looks like you could shave your legs with it. Clips from old James Bond movies and then SHIRLEY BASSEY sings “Goldfinger” (she is 76!) Standing ovation, naturally.

Commercial. 5/10 and holding. I need a donut.

9:32 Jamie Foxx and Kerry Washington. Love the red dress, hate the Addams Family tux.

BEST LIVE ACTION SHORT FILM: “Curfew” (winner’s wearing a tux with a regular tie—ew!)


9:37 LIAM NEESON!!!!!—Oh, I love you, I love you, I love you, my darling!—introduces clips from “Argo,” “Zero Dark Thirty,” and “Lincoln.” If I can ditch my date in the straitjacket, I’m SO meeting this guy after the show. Boredom scale knocked down to a 2.

9:42 Ben Affleck is having a little trouble reading the teleprompter.

BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE: “Searching for Sugarman.” Another tux without a bow tie.

Commercial. Back up to 5, pushing a 6. No Family Guy voices. Not even anyone to make fun of. B-O-R-I-N-G.

9:49 Jennifer Garner and Jessica Chastain—BEST FOREIGN FILM: “Amour.”

9:52 John Travolta—yeah, you’re still cute—introduces of medley of musical selections from: “Chicago” (Catherine Zeta-Jones) “Dreamgirls” (Jennifer Hudson) and “Les Misérables” (practically the whole cast). As musical theater ROCKS in my book, I’ve perked way up: 2/10.

Another commercial.

10:08 Chris Pine and Zoe Saldana (whoever they are) talking about past awards (???) and that was…it? WTF? Then they vanished from the stage.

10:10 Mark Wahlberg and “Ted”—wow, finally I get to heard a Family Guy voice! OK, it’s not Family Guy, but it is Seth MacFarland…

BEST SOUND MIXING: “Les Misérables.”

BEST SOUND EDITING—a freaking tie: “Zero Dark Thirty” and “Skyfall.” Whoever heard of an Oscar TIE? I mean seriously?

(Speaking of “ties” there seems to be a pattern this year with the straight ties and tuxes. Who dresses these people?)

10:19 Christopher Plummer (funny intro, Seth)

BEST ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE: Anne Hathaway—yay! Love her dress, love her hair. She is radiant.

Commercial. 3/10.

10:29 President of the Academy—another Woody Allen clone—introduces college film students who are helping hand out the Oscars tonight.

10:31 Sandra Bullock: Beautiful dress. Stringy hair, another trend tonight. At least it’s neat.


10:34 Jennifer Lawrence—who looks like she’s holding her dress up with her elbows—introduces Adele, in a glittery black Hefty bag, who sings “Skyfall”…boring.

Commercial. Back up to 6/10. Updating blog post for tomorrow…

10:43 Nicole Kidman introduces clips to “Silver Linings Playbook,” “Django,” and “Amour.”

10:47 Daniel Radcliffe and Kristen Stewart. Kristin can barely form a coherent sentence. I think she rode to the show in somebody's trunk.


10:50 Salma Hayek’s hair weighs 80 pounds. Her dress hurts my neck.

Humanitarian Award, blah blah blah. I dunno what just happened here….

Commercial. Boredom scale = 7/10. Salma did it to me.

10:58 Montage of dead people.

11:01 Barbra Streisand singing “The Way We Were.” Beyonce, take note: She is NOT lip-syncing.

Commercial AGAIN? Good. I have to pee.

11:08 Richard Gere, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Renee Zellweger, and Queen Latifah.


11:14 Nora Jones, in fifties getup, sings “Everybody Needs a Best Friend.”


Commercial. Boredom = 8/10. If I weren’t blogging this I’d be asleep by now. I haven’t even laughed at much of anything except Adele’s eyelashes.

11:22 Seth says “It’s getting late in the show.” Ya think?

11:23 Dustin Hoffman and Charlize Theron. Jeez, if he turns around too fast he’ll break his nose on her shoulder blade.




11:32 Jane Fonda and Michael Douglas



11:40 Jean Dujardin from “The Artist”—last year’s winner…the movie I walked out of.

BEST ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE: Jennifer Lawrence for “Silver Linings Playbook”—and she just tripped over her foofy dress on her way up to the stage.

11:45 Meryl Streep, looking a bit grandmother-of-the-bride-ish.

BEST ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE: Daniel Day-Lewis for “Lincoln”—the only actor to win 3 Oscars for Best Actor.
(I though Hugh Jackman should win simply for that bulging forehead vein in Les Mis)

11:52 Jack Nicholson introduces Michelle Obama…wait, what? Are you kidding me? They HAD to drag the White House into the freaking Academy Awards? What does Michelle Obama have to do with the entertainment industry?


BEST FILM: “Argo.”

Great film. Congrats.

I left when Affleck, rambling like one of those guys on the commercials rapidly listing all the deadly side effects of medications, graciously thanked all our “friends” in Iran…


( 17 comments — Leave a comment )
Feb. 25th, 2013 05:30 am (UTC)
So it ran long then? I only taped up til 11:30. Ah well. I'll come back and read the whole post once I've watched them.
Feb. 25th, 2013 12:48 pm (UTC)
At least you'll get to zip past the commercials.
Feb. 25th, 2013 06:26 am (UTC)
I never watch the Oscars, since they have a habit of boring me to tears. Reading your recap makes me glad I always skip them!
Feb. 25th, 2013 12:51 pm (UTC)
Re-reading my recap makes me wish *I'd* skipped em!
Feb. 25th, 2013 12:53 pm (UTC)
Sure am glad I didn't waste my night watching this nonsense. Your recapping was far more entertaining anyway.

And M. Obama was there? And B. Affleck thanked Iran? WTF?!?! Again, thank God I didn't waste my night with this crap. Stupid Hollywood. Ugh.
Feb. 25th, 2013 12:55 pm (UTC)
Amen, soul sister.
Feb. 25th, 2013 01:46 pm (UTC)
Adele, in a glittery black Hefty bag

She always wears the same damned dress! And poor Melissa McCarthy was wearing the un-glittery generic brand Hefty bag. Whoever let her walk out the door like that should be flayed alive.

Kristen Stewart always--ALWAYS at award ceremonies, interviews, every movie she's ever been in and--I suspect--the sack--looks like she'd rather be anywhere else but where she is. I guess it's her thing.

Next time I see Anne Hathaway, I'm going to scratch her eyes out because Christopher Plummer kissed her and he's my boyfriend.

I only really watch for the dead people and this is going to sound really horrible but what the heck, nobody really interesting died this year.
Feb. 25th, 2013 01:50 pm (UTC)
"She always wears the same damned dress!"

I thought it was just me! :) I don't know how she could open her eyes with those damn birds attached to her eyelids.

I LOOOOVE Christopher Plummer. That red handkerchief! Awesome! He looked like a million bucks. But Liam Neeson will always be my stud muffin.
Patrick Dilloway
Feb. 25th, 2013 02:10 pm (UTC)
You can watch "Paperman" online; it was really neat the way they combined traditional and computer animation.

I got 3 of the 5 major categories right. Woo hoo. Other than that I never watch awards shows. It's better to just wait for highlights later.
Feb. 25th, 2013 02:16 pm (UTC)
I guessed right on Argo and Anne Hathaway. I figured Jennifer Lawrence would get it even though I didn't see the film.

I think I prefer the Tony Awards...
Feb. 25th, 2013 02:13 pm (UTC)
I didn't see them, but your comments have started my day off right. Thanks
Feb. 25th, 2013 02:16 pm (UTC)
You didn't miss anything lol.
Feb. 25th, 2013 05:14 pm (UTC)
Oh, now here I disagree with you on a lot of this. I thought the Oscars were fairly entertaining. But then again, I'm a bit of an Oscars geek: I saw 7 of the 9 Best Pic noms and a couple of the acting noms and all of the Live Action Shorts, Doc Shorts, and Animated Shorts (I LOVED Paperman! So happy it won! The Capitol Theatre has an annual Oscars Shorts program and we spent a happy day watching lots and lots of great little movies on a lovely Art Deco screen). Also, because I hosted my annual Oscars party,and had 8 funny friends over to watch it with, I had a great time as we made fun of weird dresses (did not like Anne H's overalls look at all) and weird hair (the various longhaired blond men winning for editing and effects things--or was it the same guy every time? Couldn't always tell!-- made us think there was some sort of Swedish hair band invasion!) Zoe Saldana play Uhura and Chris Pine was Captain Kirk in the new Star Trek films, btw., but I actually didn't know who Seth MacFarlane was until the hosting gig was announced, so you and I are opposites on that! I agree with a lot of your comments, like the horrible Rudd/McCarthy thing. Love your snark, wish you'd been at my party! (I made gold-foil wrapped chocolate Oscar pops for all of my guests, I know you would have loved those :-)
Feb. 25th, 2013 05:51 pm (UTC)
LOL on the dude(s) with the scraggly blond hair! Can they NOT afford rubberbands?

All in all, though, I found the show pretty boring. I was sooo disappointed in MacFarlane as a host. I remember LMAO throughout shows in the past. None of that lately. Sigh.
Feb. 25th, 2013 06:36 pm (UTC)
I know, I was disappointed too, and haven't liked the hosts very much since the old days of Whoopi and Billy. At least Seth was better than James Franco!! Poor Anne Hathaway stuck with him that year, remember? She would have been great on her own but she had that drugged lug next to her all the time.
Feb. 25th, 2013 06:39 pm (UTC)
Oy, I forgot all about Franco! HE WAS AWFUL! Almost as bad as Chris Rock.
Feb. 25th, 2013 06:54 pm (UTC)
Oh yeah! Chris Rock, I'd forgotten him. I think I blank on them unless they were really good ;-) I remember wanting to like Ellen DeGeneres' hosting duties more, because she can be so funny and honest, but they made her do really weird stuff up in the balcony and etc, and it was just too bizarre.
( 17 comments — Leave a comment )


Jeannine Garsee

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