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Early Morning Nervous Breakdown

So at 7 a.m. I hear RUSTLE RUSTLE RUSTLE in my pantry, where I keep all my canned goods, plus a huge pile of plastic bags. I kind of hoard them, it's true.

Me: Nate, there's something in there.

Nate: Yeah, I hear it.

Me: Open the door.

Nate: Wha-a-a-aT? YOU open the door.

Me: Nate, seriously Open it.

Nate opens the door--and this THING flies out! Flies! I swear to God.

Me: (bloodcurdling scream) OHMYGODWHATISITRAT?!

Nate: Nah, it's a f***ing squirrel. (Hereafter to be referred to as FS)

FS races into the dining room, races into the living room, doubles back to the kitchen, scrambles up on the sink, jumps onto the window sill, and in 3 seconds flat chews a hole through the screen and squiggles his way out.

Eli stands there, looking stupid.

OK. I can deal with this. I had a raccoon come down my chimney one night while I was watching Creepshow. I don't know how FS got in, but I'm guessing there's another hole a hole in the pantry wall. (This happened once before with a mole, if you remember)

Nate, who works nights, goes to bed in the meantime. So I wake Beth and have her hold open a trash back while I pull the bags out of the closet with my barbecue tongs. Halfway through the pile (we're talking a LOT of plastic bags here) another squirrel flies out of the closet!

Eli--the rabbit eater, remember?--simply stands there, shaking and flaking. My hunting dawg, terrified of this thing. I haul him to his crate. He doesn't protest one bit.

Um, I'm terrified, too. Even though it's a squirrel, and not much more than a baby. I don't do well with scampy little critters. I had a meltdown the other night at work when a patient asked me to kill the poodle-sized roach in his bathroom.

Beth, OTOH, walks calmly around, following FS from room to room. The thing's going nuts, searching for an exit. I grab my camera, but the little sucker's too fast to tape. And here I had such high hopes for YouTube.

Finally Beth shoos it out the back door.

We finish emptying the pantry and discover TWO decent-sized, raggedy holes in the wall. So I dump a load of D-Con into the wall (sorry, FS) and plaster them both up.



( 7 comments — Leave a comment )
Sep. 12th, 2012 09:42 pm (UTC)

I would have been freaked by those two squirrels, too! I can't stand it when critters of any kind sneak into the house. (Usually it's just bugs and lizards here, but there was a snake incident once when I was a kid.)

And...there was a poodle-sized cockroach at your job? OMG. *shudders*
Sep. 12th, 2012 09:49 pm (UTC)
DCON won't stop squirrels. You need Havoc from Landmark. Squirrels are scary because they are crazy. They've been known to form gangs and kill dogs. Eli's no dummy!
Sep. 12th, 2012 10:43 pm (UTC)
Crap! And I already sealed up the holes...
Sep. 13th, 2012 02:36 am (UTC)
OMG! I'd have been freaked out too. But I'm laughing here :-) not sure I'd have found it funny if i were in that situation, but it's sure funny to read about ;-)
Sep. 14th, 2012 05:44 pm (UTC)
Now the little bastard is trapped in the wall. Guess it's time to call an exterminator or I'll be smelling it for weeks.
Sep. 24th, 2012 01:02 pm (UTC)
HOW the hell does wildlife get into your house? Do you just invite them in?
Sep. 24th, 2012 04:14 pm (UTC)
Nah, unlike vampires they don't need an invitation...
( 7 comments — Leave a comment )


Jeannine Garsee

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